Monti Nicole

For context, I am currently living in a tent. Believe it or not, this was by choice. The purpose? Soul searching. I am very much kidding. Desperate for money, I signed up to plant trees in the Canadian wilderness. I don’t particularly know exactly where I am, nor do I care.

This month began with staying somewhere the tree planters call bear camp. It was common for tents to be slashed by bears because people would leave snacks and scented products inside. After a while this became so normal that I didn’t even think twice about it.

Natures Alarm        3/7/24

The light pitter patter of raindrops hitting the canvas of my tent lulls me into a peaceful sleep.

HEY!!! HEY! FUCK!!

I am abruptly awoken by screaming. A bear has slashed my neighbor’s tent. I can hear him chasing it through the rain. Unfazed, I fall back asleep.

AAAAAAAAAH!!

I am awake again; this time the target is further away. My alarm would have gone off in 10 minutes anyway. Time to start my day I suppose.

While planting, a lot of people couple up. I was one of those people, this was really strange to me. Although quite nice. It is not like regular dating because most of the time you are physically at your worst and most vulnerable. You are working long days, laundry is a 4+ hour ordeal, the showers were usually freezing. You are also living in a tent.

I found that I was able to be myself very quickly and make very deep connections here. Both platonically and romantically, I wrote this one day when I was thinking about everything surrounding me being temporary. Still working toward accepting this and not clinging on to everything and everyone that comes into my life. The journey of becoming more present.

I’m Your Summer Girl         6/7/24

In his arms, I feel safe. He is different enough to leave me feeling inspired, yet similar enough that I feel understood. Haunted by the knowledge that this will only last the summer. A dull ache settles in my chest.

Beginning to understand the difference between compromise and sacrifice. I don’t need to give up everything I want in order to be loved. I get to keep myself; I am mine.

When I look into your eyes, I know you understand this. We are our own people, briefly crossing paths. It won’t last forever, nothing ever will.

Isn’t that part of the beauty? The uncertainty of everything. If we had everything forever, would we appreciate it?

I hold your hand, smile and breathe it all in. The ripple of your tent in the breeze, the tattoos on your chest, the new ideas you have given me. I will always wish we had more time. Maybe more time would never have been enough.

I’m your summer girl.

This next entry had nothing to do with planting. More so for people who have someone in their lives going through pain. You see the pain, you care about them and want to make it better. They lash out because they are hurting, you want to help them heal but can’t because they have not accepted something is wrong. There comes a moment where you have to let go, because being around them is hurting you.

Unreachable      9/7/24

I look into his eyes but don’t see him. There are only depthless pools of pain, clouding the lens through which he sees the world.

The pain leeches into my mind, my body, my soul. A contagious disease, threatening to destroy me in his presence. How can I help someone who can only help themselves?

I can’t.

Giving up feels wrong, continuing to fight feels pointless. This isn’t a battle that I can win. Letting go hurts. I begin to retreat into myself.

I experience the trauma inflicted upon you as you insult me with your words. Unaware of the subconscious thoughts driving you, unwilling to learn.

I can no longer tolerate the numbness that consumes me.

It is time to let go.

Slightly lighter topic, although not quite happy. I love to party, maybe to my own detriment. I often find that I don’t want the night to end. It is not uncommon for me to have such a fun night that the sunrise upsets me. I love the transition from dancing to deep conversations, being fully present and maybe reckless. The feeling of endless possibilities. This was a morning when I did not want the sun to rise.

No Sleep      10/7/24

The sun begins to appear, warm colours paint the sky. I watch from the comfort of my friend’s hot tub; I have not yet slept.

Guilt weighs on me for the night’s decisions, my mind an invisible burden. I enjoy getting drunk, I lose myself in the world. No longer restricted to the inside of my head. I feel free to be myself, to share my thoughts without fear of judgment.

I find joy in doing something I shouldn’t. A small rebellious act resulting in feeling free. Learning to walk the line. Doing something dangerous enough to feel alive, without going far enough to cause permanent damage. That is where I feel the most myself.

Back to guilt and the impending anxiety as the sun continues to rise. I begin to retreat back into my head. The solitude a welcoming and equally scary equation. Hello again inner demons.

As of today, I want to get better at connecting to others without needing to loosen my grip on reality.

Acid For the Children                                                                                                                           11/7/24

I am currently reading acid for the children by Flea. Some my of my favorite quotes:

“People living outside society need a sound to believe in. A sound that cannot be owned or emulated by squares. It inspires the marginalized rebels. It gives a soundtrack to their walk that only they understand. It speaks for people that might not otherwise have a voice. “- Flea

“My earliest memories are rooted in an underlying sense that something’s wrong with me, that everyone else is clued into a group consciousness from which I’m excluded. Like something in me is broken. As time passes, I become more comfortable with that strange sense of being apart, but it never leaves, and on occasion, I go through phases of intense and debilitating anxiety. Gnarly fucking panic attacks. Perhaps it is a form of self-loathing, that I’m often unable to find comfort in a community. Am I the only one who’s fucked up like this? Can I get a witness? “

“The greatest fault of humankind belongs to those who think their view of what’s real is the only truth.”

Now, I deal with getting anxious. Most of the time it feels justified to me. During this time, I was working 10+ hour days. I was burning out physically and emotionally. I was around people all the time.

Put yourself in my shoes, you are most likely never going to see the people around you again. If you do, it will not be on a day to day basis. You don’t have a home base, you are about to move to a new country by yourself. You have no qualifications apart from street smarts and you are moving to one of the most expensive cities in the world. So, end result equals stress in the evening when you have nothing to distract you and your thoughts occasionally become catastrophic.

At this time, we were being flown into remote areas to plant trees via helicopter. One morning, they had to jumpstart the helicopter using a truck. It was not uncommon to sit around for 2-3 hours while waiting to be flown to work. I did not particularly enjoy the helicopters, which feels rude to say. I would rather just start working, glad I got to experience this though.

Unsettled and Anxious                                                                                                                  19/7/24

I have felt unsettled and anxious for a week now. It always starts with lying awake in bed, wishing I could sleep but having such an overactive mind that I end up staring at the roof for hours. As my sleep decreases, my stress increases. Can I knock myself out with CBD? It sometimes works.

My alarm sounds in the morning, sending a shoot of adrenaline through my body. I bolt upright, instantly in a panic. Never ending panic. My lack of sleep mixed with increasing stress causes me to spend the day holding back tears as I crave peace. I get into a helicopter that will take me to work, still almost crying. How can I be crying when I am getting into a helicopter? What is wrong with me? My spiral deepens and grows more intense.

After working all day, I come home to more people. I love people although have never felt safe around them and feel like an outsider a lot of the time. Constantly misunderstood and trying to communicate how I feel in a nice way. I can never make everyone happy, for a long time I thought I could.

I panic complete 10 minutes of jumping jacks in an attempt to overwhelm my mental pain with physical pain. When will I be able to relax? Constant chaos.

This next day, I was dealing with the loss of someone who I became very close to and learned a lot from. Such as sense of humor in a relationship is maybe one of the most important things to me. Laughing is my favorite thing in the world. It was a sad time for me. I could not believe how upset I was, it was unexpected. Great character building.

Ghost 31/7/24

I feel your presence, even though you aren’t here. When I wake up, I’m surprised to find that your arms aren’t around me.

I told an inside joke out of habit, only to realize you were the only one who understands it.

When I close my eyes, I see you. The lines of your face get burrier with each passing day. I am slowly forgetting you. I don’t want to forget.

I don’t feel empty, I don’t quite feel full. Aching to hear your voice, to have your eyes on mine, to feel your touch. I will never have that again, not from you.

On that dramatic note, this concludes July. I haven’t written about these darker emotions for pity, I want to help others feel less alone. My life is awesome, I am doing exactly what I want with it. It is not perfect though, nothing ever is. There will always be good and bad, yin and yang. We all fuck up, we all feel sad. Might as well ride the roller coaster together.