How to start an essay about heartbreak… This experience is universal, it can be one of the most painful, devastating experiences of your life. I have now been through 3 major heartbreaks, so feel I am at least slightly qualified to speak on it. The goal of this post, is to help you feel less alone if you are struggling. I have also included different methods I use to start the healing process and feel better.
The Build Up
Heartbreak often begins before a breakup. It is the subtle shift in your relationship that you perhaps can’t quite explain. It is the small doubts that start to creep in, the realization that maybe you and your partner are different in potentially detrimental ways. You want to live in the city, he wants to live in the middle of nature. You enjoy a slow-paced life; he would prefer to being doing things all the time. Maybe your values are different, or you don’t feel respected.
This might be one of the hardest parts, making the decision. You don’t want to make the wrong decision, because that could result in you losing what could be the love of your life. If you are in a period of time like this, I have included some things that helped me to decide. Ultimately, this is your decision.
1. If you are struggling, focus your energy on your partner and how to fix what is potentially broken. This could be a phase. You need to have hard conversations, explain that something feels off and focus on how they respond. Are they dismissive? Do they make more of an effort? Does that effort stop after a few days? Ask what you can do to help the relationship and try your best. Express how you feel loved, let them know how to make you feel special. Keep focusing on their response.
2. Phase two of my master plan, if you are still struggling and not breaking through, start to focus on yourself. Watch a tv show you love, cook yourself something delicious and start doing some more things alone. Focus on a passion project, for me that was this website. Keep communicating with your partner, if this is someone you love it is important that you try everything so that if it does end, you have peace of mind knowing that you gave it your all. A big indicator that my relationship would not last was I started to prefer my alone time. I was happy when he would leave for work so I could finally relax and do things I enjoy. I was not so happy when we had the same days off.
3. This isn’t for everyone, but was a very big help for me. Journal! Write down how you feel. Maybe they said something to upset you, maybe they bought you flowers. Are you happy, are you sad and confused more often than not? Write about how you feel around your partner. I started an exercise where I asked the following question each evening:
“If this was a new relationship, would I stay based off today?” My answer each day was no, I only did this for a few weeks at the end of my relationship. Reading through my journal gave me clarity, it confirmed that I had been feeling that way for a year.
4. Talk to someone you can trust, for me this was my mum and best friend. If you are someone like me, who tends to think about things for a long time before speaking about them, this can be very helpful.
5. I want to finish off with red flags that are not always apparent at the start, but that become apparent after a while. These are quite toxic, and will take a toll on your mental health.
-Your partner makes mean or condescending comments to you. These could be comments on your appearance, how you act in social situations or how you choose to spend your free time.
-You find yourself not wanting to share something concerning that happened between you and your partner, because if your told someone they would judge your partner and think they are a bad person.
-Whenever you bring up something that has upset you, you are shut down. This could sound like “you are too sensitive. Learn to take a joke. I am sorry you feel that way. I feel like I can’t say anything to you anymore.” This is all a way of flipping it back on you. This may be subconscious; however, it is your partners responsibility to start learning about how their communication is affecting you. Do they have an interest in improving their communication?
The last thing I will say regarding making this decision, is you will have a moment where you know. Keep riding this crazy wave, work on yourself and bettering your communication. Do your best to communicate with your partner along the way. At the end of the day, you decide what you deserve. Be selfish with choosing a life partner, they will very likely be the person that you spend the most time with. Remember that you will always have yourself through everything and your heart belongs to you.
The Official Breakup
You have made the decision, don’t procrastinate this. Make a game plan, do you live together? Is there a place you can stay, maybe with friends or family? When can you pack up? Etc.
You need to sit down with your partner and just do it. It will always be messy; you can do your best to explain your side of things. This does not guarantee that they will understand and agree with your side of the story. There is a big chance that they will tell you everything you have been wanting to hear. Maybe that they haven’t had the chance to give it everything and they want to now, that they will go to therapy to be better for you, that they will do anything to keep the relationship going.
They already could have been doing these things; however, they have chosen not to. If you have communicated your needs over and over again to no response, why would things change now? Your partner is aware of how they could have done better, they just laid out everything they could have done but chose not to. Keep this in mind.
Be blunt, leave no room for persuasion. You want to cut off hope that you will stay together. This is easier said than done, especially when you love them. While this sounds harsh, it is more beneficial for them in the long term. Try your best for no contact, try not to comfort them. They now need to comfort themselves and are no longer your responsibility.
Reflection
It has happened, if you are here, I am sorry. This can be one of the most painful parts. You need to feel the pain.
“You don’t get to numb the pain and relish in the ecstasy.” – Indy Blue
If you don’t feel the pain to the fullest extent, you won’t be able to feel joy to its fullest extent. So, let’s set up a really sad party, maybe a bit like a funeral. Play the songs that make you think of them, look at all of the photos together. Look at all the laughs, text messages and love shared. Think of all the adventures you had together. Mourn the future you had planned with them, that particular dream is dying. You are losing one of your best friends.
This might feel a bit like your soul is being ripped out of your body, not to be extreme or anything. You may need to do this a few times to get that pain out. Sit with the discomfort, the loneliness and the urge to reach out to someone who you no longer can talk to. After a particularly intense crying session, I like to ask “Was that it?” It is weirdly empowering for me.
A big part of heartbreak is the loss of your future with this person, maybe you pictured marrying them. Maybe you discussed kids in the future, where you would live and romantic getaways you would go on. A big realisation I had, was that this was not guaranteed to happen. I clung onto my vision of the future, despite the present not being ideal. What is in store for you after following your gut feeling, will be so much better.
Reflect on what you liked about the relationship, what you didn’t like? What did you do well, how do you feel you can improve? Remember, it takes two to tango. What attracted this person to you? Are there any previous patterns you can point out through past relationships? What can you do better next time? What did you learn?
Healing
Now here is where it starts to get fun, so much free time has just opened up for you. Do you have your own dream, or even a small goal that you would like to accomplish? What about those friends you love to hang out with! Or endless girls’ nights, painting and learning a new language? You can now decorate your space however you please. You can play your own music, do whatever the heck you want. You can buy a one-way ticket to Italy with no questions asked. Get excited!
A big help for me during this time is uplifting music. I have attached my favourite playlist for healing during this period. Get familiar with the words, fall back in love with yourself. Treat yourself nicely, with compassion. Remember, you can buy yourself flowers. 😉
Exercise has helped me through this phase. I enjoy dance workouts, yoga, snowboarding and many more things. If you are feeling a bit extra lonely, you could sign up to classes. This will get you into a routine and around more people. It is a great way to fill in time and improve yourself. If you are not financially stable, you could do free online workouts. My favourites on youtube are the fitness marshall (dance workouts), boho beautiful (yoga and pilates) and blogilates.
Make a dream board, or a plan. Give yourself something to look forward to, is there a music festival you have been dying to go to? What about a city you have been dreaming of living in? What makes you tick, if you are unsure, it is now your time to figure out what you want.
I always end up watching the movie “how to be single” during this time. It gives me a laugh and is a reminder that there are so many other things in life apart from romance. This is the time to get good at being alone. If you do meet someone in the future, who you spend the rest of your life with, you will look back on this time with a lot of fondness. You might actually miss having so much alone time and freedom. Enjoy it, because this is temporary.
Aftermath
You will get through this. Sit with the discomfort of being alone, let your mind wander to your ex. Chances are you spent a lot of time together and made some amazing memories. You are feeling this much pain, because you got to feel so much love. You will always have a little emotional scar where this person was, but that is not a bad thing. It is beautiful.
Having your heart broken is hard, it might happen again. It is survivable and will shape you into who you need to be. One of the hardest parts, is not letting yourself shut people out because of fear. Fear of loss, fear of pain, fear of losing yourself. Strength will come from keeping your heart open. Take what you have learned and apply it to your next relationship. If that relationship breaks, fall and get up. Try again. You are ultimately unbreakable, trust yourself and your gut. You have got this.
“Suffering is the refusal to accept what is.” – Brianna West
