Monti Nicole

This post kicks off with a road trip from Calgary all the way to California. How do you stay sane while starting a new life? It is an addictive roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes exciting, at times terrifying. Nothing is familiar, you are adjusting to new cultures, people and experiences. While it is not easy, it is worthwhile.

If you slowly build your tolerance to these experiences, you are growing. These periods of time can absolutely suck, the sleepless nights, exhaustion and uncertainty can be overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like you are at the bottom of Everest, picturing all the challenges you will have to push through before reaching the top. But if you never give it a go, if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to push that boundary, you might wake up one day with a lot of regret.

I would rather be the worlds biggest failure, than achieve success in something that I never wanted just because it was safe.

“If you are afraid to crash, you will never fly.” – My grandmoms favorite quote

Back to Society 14/8/24

The city lights come into view from my plane window, I can’t wait to see my dad and sister. More excited to see them, than to drive across America. Maybe this says something about me.

They are there when I come down the escalator, waiting at 2am for me to arrive. I am so incredibly lucky, my family is far from perfect but we are there for each other. Excitement outweighs my exhaustion, I missed my family so much. I currently see them around once a year. The biggest drawback to living overseas, the one I struggle with most.

We are going to Fernie tomorrow, the place where I changed the course of my life. You see, at the start of this year I was living in an RV. I was set to move back to Australia with my ex and was going to become an electrician. In February, I ended this relationship and decided to move to San Diego in pursuit of a photography career. In doing so I came back to myself. This decision scares me daily. While I know in my gut that it was the right thing, it is not the safe option.

Fernie 16/8/24

I lay on the air mattress in my friends living room, finally somewhere familiar. This particular friend helped me when I needed it most. I ended my relationship and had nowhere to live. She offered a place indefinitely, until I could move out. I feel at home and safe. I will never forget on Valentines day, two days after my breakup when she wrote me a little note on a bath bomb that said keep going, you are doing great.

My dad and sister are staying in a hotel room nearby, we leave for America tomorrow. I am actually very sad to be leaving Canada. This was the best chapter of my life yet.

Montana 17/8/24

The temptation to grab my phone pulls at me. I push myself to be bored. After being forced to cut off access to YouTube, social media and movies for 3 months, I understand how detrimental it is.

I am one movement away from doom scrolling. Falling down the endless rabbit hole of mostly useless information. It is hard to face how much time I have spent on a screen for the last decade. A part of me wonders what the lack of boredom has held me back from.

The buzz of the aircon fills the silence in my motel room. Since entering America this morning, I have seen a lot of billboards. Three of the said billboards stood for anti-abortion, a praise Jesus and one we love trump. The trifecta, yikes.

I will leave my phone on the other side of the room. I am no longer hypnotized by the media; I would like to keep it that way. Hopefully this lasts, although I am aware that forces much bigger than me are at play. I wonder if phones are more addictive than cigarettes?

The number of nights I didn’t sleep during August was ridiculous, I would lay in bed and try to calm my thoughts. I would stare at the ceiling and worry about anything and everything. I often found myself clutching my chest, trying to slow down my heart rate. I frowned so much that I got muscle spasms in my jaw. I have never done this sort of move by myself. I had no idea what to expect.  

Insomnia 19/8/24

The uncertainty is pulling me down, trying frantically to stay afloat. My mind is screaming at me, I can’t stay still for long enough to keep it quiet. I search for apartment after apartment, job after job. I monitor my worries, turn them into positive thoughts. I am drained physically and mentally. I will keep pushing, not going to give up.

Goodbye Canada, hello America.

Next stop, Vegas. I have a special relationship with Vegas, some say this is cringey. Fair, it is what it is.

Every four years I have ended up here, starting at age 12. During a two-month family road trip across the states, Vegas was my favorite, even outdoing Yosemite and New York in my eyes. Why? They had brilliant cherry slushies, not often found in other countries due to the cancer-causing chemicals.

Next was age 16, during my Coachella trip. This revolutionary trip inspired me so much, that going home made me depressed. I clung onto the memory for dear life, because I didn’t want to go back to high school. I didn’t want to sit in a class room every day, see the same people that I could not seem to relate to, attend the same boring retail job. I suddenly felt very out of place in Australia needed to get back to California.

Moving on to age 20, I used a fake ID to club crawl through Vegas. I saw Claude Vonstroke DJ and stayed out until sunrise. I gambled $5, cried because of all the homeless people and got sick due to severe burn out. This was the beginning of my trip with no seemingly no end.

Vegas was the perfect last stop, a full circle moment.

Vegas 21/8/24

Saying the sun feels warm on my face would be an understatement, it is 42 degrees. For all you Fahrenheit users, that means 107. Opening the door to go outside is almost equivalent to opening an oven. Maybe a little dramatic, although considering the fact that I just endured two years of Canadian life, it may be justified.

I am staying at the Excalibur, a giant castle at the end of the strip. I have been amusing myself by playing who is gambling for fun and who can’t seem to stop? Maybe that is cruel, if you don’t laugh at these things you might cry.

I once saw a homeless man eating a crow here, that time I did cry.

Vegas is the only place where I feel awkward walking around with my dad. Why? People assume I am a gold digger. Enough said, I feel the need to introduce him as my dad straight away. Gross.

With that, I am entering the time vortex that is Vegas for approximately 3 days. You can never tell the time here and I hate to love it.

My time in Vegas was a lot of fun, it was also scary. My anxiety was at an all time high, I kept trying not to think about my move. Each night, sleep was a struggle. I would wake up at 4am in a panic, considering all the things I needed to organize. Endless to do lists, each time I solved a problem ten new ones would arise. Americans seem to make things a lot more complicated than necessary.

My peace came after arriving in San Diego, when I was at the beach. I have always felt most mentally stable when I am in the water. My problems are put into perspective and when I am fully submerged my mind is clear.

Finally Home 27/8/24

The sand swirls between my toes. Gold flakes drift through the water, sparkling in the sun. Warm air softly kisses my face, my hair tickles my back in the breeze. I missed the ocean so much, I feel like I am finally home.

I am so content with the basics. As long as I have a bed, food and a car I am happy. I know what I like. There are so many things I am grateful for. I have believed for a long time that there is something wrong with me for not needing more. I am so happy though. The simpler my life is, the better I feel.

Lost 30/8/24

Feeling lost is interesting. Sometimes it is exciting, I still get to choose so many things, I am free. I don’t know where I am going but it feels like an exciting adventure, one with endless possibilities. All of my dreams still feel possible, I am alive.

I am freefalling through life.

Other times, feeling lost causes me stress. This usually begins with comparison. For instance, chatting to a guy the same age as me in a shared uber, who has just completed an engineering degree.

I get the illusion that he has it all figured out. Realistically, if I spent the last 4-6 years studying engineering, I would want to kill myself. I have zero interest in that career. In the moment though, I imagine what it would be like to have an impressive career to tell people about. I imagine all the high paying jobs I could get, how I could use that money to have my own apartment and travel/go out to dinner without even thinking about the cost.

I remember that I am freefalling through life without a safety net.

Currently feeling the pressure of the societal timeline. Sure, being a barista is socially acceptable at 23. What happens if I am still a Barista at 40? I don’t want to think about the future in that way, because I am so happy with my day-to-day life now. Although if I don’t think about it now, then I feel like it will bite me in the ass.

I am in for another existential crisis, I fear.

With that thought, that wraps up August, what a month. Looking back on this month, I realized something. I have spent the last 10 years chasing. I chase extreme highs, I am constantly moving. The moments I look back on with the most fondness, are not the craziest. They are the in-between moments, where I sat in a motel room with my crappy coffee. The mornings where I woke up slowly without pressure in my chest. Driving with my hand out the window, wind in my hair. Times where I laughed with friends at work, times where I cried. Moments where I stopped chasing and became fully present. The extremes will put you into the present for just a moment, what if you could become present without doing something insane?

I will remember August 2024 for a long time.