This month is an interesting one, one that has been coming for a long time. I am wrapping up tree planting and moving to San Diego. This has been a month of heartache, loss and new beginnings. With that said, I am ready to expose myself again.
Following my last blog post, I was recommended to a psychiatrist. Perhaps I should go. To those who agree, this next post may give you an aneurysm. Good luck…
Occasionally, I have some social anxiety while hanging out with big groups of people. It does not hit me as often as it used to. Previously, I was so shy that it was debilitating. I remember struggling to say hello to people. With lots of practice, I am able to function like a slightly normal human being. Although I still have bad days; this was one of them.
Disclaimer, I have named my mean inner voice Alyssa. Alyssa can be a bitch, sorry if this is your name. I have referenced her as a separate person in this entry. Don’t worry, no one was actually whispering about how much of a loser I am in my ear; I probably would have punched them.
Exhausted 1/8/24
Heavy, I feel weighed down. My thoughts have taken a dark turn. When I am happy, I feel connected. Alternatively when I am unhappy, I feel like I don’t fit anywhere. I am an outsider looking in at everyone. Currently on the outside looking in, whilst simultaneously feeling like I am being observed.
My mind tells me that everyone sitting together is watching with judgement and cruel amusement. Occasionally pointing out the weird things I say, and secretly hating me because I said something upsetting. I am cast out on eggshells, no one else can see them. Self-imposed torture.
Say something, anything. My thoughts grow more urgent. Don’t be boring, contribute. Each time I have a thought the conversation has already moved on. Why am I even here? I want to be alone where it is safe.
You are a loser. She whispers in my ear.
In reality, I am the only one who can give myself acceptance. Why is that so hard?
Do you ever have a bad day and turn toward the wrong coping mechanism? My unhealthy coping mechanisms include coffee, sleeping tablets, the occasional alcoholic beverage and getting lost in a new person. As a matter of fact, I love the powerful feeling I get when I look at someone and know that they like me. This particular evening, I kissed someone in an attempt to forget the previous person I was with. Never a good idea, I am only human.
Torn 8/8/24
His lips are on mine, something is off. You smell different. Your arm drapes around my neck drawing me closer, I don’t know if I want to be closer. I start to withdraw into myself. You aren’t him. I miss his touch; you amplify the loss. I thought this would make it better, a band aid.
How cruel of me, to play with your emotions. I feel like a bad person.
Someone is going to love everything about you, I am not that someone. I pretend, to bring you joy. Or is it to avoid the inevitable confrontation? I avoid confrontation, only to cause a bigger confrontation. My method is faulty.
Hello guilt, come join the party.
I know I need to leave; I want you to stop touching me, wanting me. I don’t say anything and continue to kiss you. Why am I doing this to myself? Speaking up feels incredibly hard. As I begin to pull away, I express that this is too much too soon. Abruptly I leave, stumbling through the darkness.
Tonight, I feel alone, unsure of myself. Upset with myself for getting into this situation.
The unfamiliar smell of you lingers, I wish I could wash it away. I curl up in my bed and give myself a hug, attempting to find comfort. I want to run. What happens when I can’t run anymore? What am I afraid of facing?
I guess I am about to find out.
During this next particular night, I was relieved that tree planting was officially over. After 3.5 months of intense manual labor and living in a tent, the nerves were setting in. I was now about to move to San Diego. Fortunately for me, the northern lights made an appearance…
Northern Lights 11/8/24
I put on my headphones, look up and watch the northern lights flickering across the sky.
My body and mind feel light. The tree planting season is over. I start to dance, my body acting of its own accord. Giving in completely, I lose myself in the music, the glow of the sky. Connected to everything, with nothing left to worry about, just for a moment.
The emotional high grows more intense, I drop to the ground and roll through the sand. I savor the feeling of the soft earth on my skin. Lights flash above, shooting stars amid the moving colors. Relieved to be alone.
I can’t believe I have accomplished every dream I have set out to achieve.
My energy levels begin to drop. It is officially 2:36am, meaning I will get just under 3 hours of sleep. The world fades as I close my eyes, drifting away.
The very next day, this happened. I am no stranger to rejection, yay for me. This is about the unspoken shift between people, the sort of shift that makes you question your sanity. Where something feels off, but you cannot pinpoint what it is. You want things to be normal again. In reality, it won’t ever return to how it was. You now have to face that fact, and move along with your life.
If the person whom this is about ever reads this, I still think you are awesome. I was upset this day and am now over it. Wishing you all the best in life, you deserve it.
Cold 13/8/24
I didn’t expect to see you here, for a minute I was excited. We make eye contact and you look away, the small rejection hurts. I walk toward you, give an awkward side hug and smile, hoping you know that I am happy to see you. You seem off, not like I remember you.
Surprisingly, you have shut me out. I want to get through again, although I shouldn’t have to fight to do it. I never quite understood you, everything connecting except one piece. Something was missing.
Keep yourself hidden, don’t let me in. If I fall in again, getting out will be harder.
“I missed this.” I look at you and mean it, I miss seeing you. Previously, you were so much fun to be around. You laugh and that is that. No text, no call, no invitation to hang out. I feel the rejection again. Am I imagining it? Am I fucking crazy? I am definitely fed up.
I have attracted the same person in a different form, noticing your emotions shift from excitement to indifference. How can you appear so unbothered? I would rather be alone, presently feeling more alone around this new you than I do in my own space.
I was your summer girl, now I feel cold. Guessing it’s contagious.
Enough of that, this begins my apartment hunt in San Diego. This was very draining, I scrolled for a ridiculous amount of hours on marketplace. I am happy to currently be sitting in my very own room, just under a month later.
Apartment Hunting 13/8/24
San Diego is expensive, although there are plenty of options compared to ski towns. All I want is a room, car, job and surfboard. I feel my hope rise and fall as I reach out to different landlords. As of now, I have scheduled two apartment tours. This makes me feel productive. At least I have a slight sense of direction?
Both seem too good to be true, leaving me wondering if I will be kidnapped upon arrival. Luckily, I took karate when I was 8.
The endless scroll through Zillow and Facebook marketplace is killing me. I feel my skin getting greasier, my mind speeding up while my body slows down. Apartment after apartment, constant stimulation. My brain feels fried, but know I need to continue. Next quest, find a third roommate. Can AI be applied to facetime? What an odd time to be alive.
While I am sad to be done with travelling for a while, I am relieved that I don’t have to go through this process again in 6 months. The panic of what job will I get, where will I live, how will I get there? Neverending organizing. Sure, once everything is organized, it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know I will miss it; I am more excited to not have to think for a while.
Next up on my list of life achievements, I booked my flight for the wrong date. Yes, I am such a goober, I know. It was extremely stressful because I was supposed to be meeting my dad and sister in Calgary this day. Instead, I sat in my hotel room alone and felt like a terrible person. I figured it out, as I always do and ended up flying to Calgary the following day.
Last to leave 14/8/24
Anxious, sad, irritated and excited. Just a few words to describe the jumble of emotions I feel as I sit at the Prince George airport. Yesterday I thought I was leaving, only to realize at the counter that the flight I booked was for next month. Lesson learned, do not book important flights while stoned.
Over 24 hours later I am still here, everyone else is gone. What an abrupt end to an insane chapter of my life. I can’t believe people do this every year. Currently running on empty, but not relaxed enough to rest. After being surrounded by nature for so long, the man-made world is overstimulating.
Being the last one to leave is always a weird feeling, I usually try to be one of the first. I walk through the car park where we all laughed and sat on the work trucks together, or where I kissed him for the first time. There is the Denny’s where I ate nachos hungover and debriefed my friends on my crazy night. The memories play out in real time; I see people that aren’t there anymore. A weird sense of being left behind follows me. I know that I will not see most of those people again. Sometimes, it’s a strange feeling for me, to know that I will never be in the same place with the same people again. That the moment has passed.
There is this strange limbo happening, where I float untethered through life. I don’t have a home or sense of security. I don’t know where I am going, I don’t have any sense of familiarity. Today I am half fine with it and half terrified. Will I miss this feeling when I have a home? Surprisingly, I think I will.
Goodbye Tree Planting
That concludes the first half of August. What a crazy two weeks… Sometimes I can’t believe that this month was real, or that this was only a month ago. Presently, I wish I could go back and give myself a hug, just so I knew everything would be ok. That is always the way it goes. If you need to hear it today, everything is going to be ok.
Link to July journal entries: /https://montinicole.com/july-2024/
