Self esteem has many layers to it, I always thought it was straight forward. You like yourself, or you don’t. After a few years of adult life, I realized that this is not the case. You can like what you present to the world, but dislike how your life feels. You can feel good when you are dressed up, whilst earlier in the day thinking you look ugly. Maybe you don’t believe you can look after yourself, when you are with partners you are ok. When you are alone you are not.
So, what exactly is self-esteem? The official definition is:
“Confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.”
Let’s take a deep dive into this. I will include internal vs external validation, proving that you can look after yourself and focusing on how your life feels rather than how it looks.
Looking After Yourself
As someone who is very confident when it comes to relationships, I always thought that must mean that I have high self-esteem? Although I kept finding myself in toxic relationships. How could this be? I know my worth right? The truth is, I never believed I could look after myself. I didn’t realize this was linked to low self-esteem. After piecing this together, it makes sense right?
I didn’t have the confidence to prove to myself that I would be ok alone. Of course, this equals low self-esteem, which was why I allowed myself to be treated poorly for a lot longer than I should have. So how have I learned to look after myself?
Starting to Look After Yourself
You have to start by proving to yourself that you can. You have to gain that belief by doing it. Are you scared to move out of home? Or is it that you are afraid you will be unable to handle unexpected challenges that pop up? What is holding you back? Start by getting uncomfortable. What can you do to prove that you can figure it out.
Cook yourself nice meals, get a nice morning routine going that helps you to stay mentally stable. Stay consistent with exercise, hang out with friends instead of seeking out dates. Buy yourself flowers and some nice perfume. Go on that family holiday. Show yourself the love that you pour into other people. Move to that place that has been calling to you. You are the only thing holding you back.
When those life challenges pop up, take a deep breath and work it out. Start up new mantras.
“I can figure this out and I will not give up.”
“I am strong and capable enough to go for what I want.”
“I deserve the love and respect that I have learned to give other people.”
“I am good enough.”
These things are all true, if you choose to believe them. Become aware of the thoughts that are holding you back and making you upset. You set your own worth. You get to choose what you deserve. Look at your life, the people surrounding you and how you are being treated. Your relationship with others is an extension of your relationship with yourself. This should tell you everything you need to know.
External Validation
I have relied a lot on external validation for a long time, I calculate how beautiful I am based on how many guys like me. I incessantly flirt with people not because I want to be with them, but because I like the attention. Because a lot of guys have liked me, I have temporarily decided that I am desirable and good enough. This belief stops when I haven’t been hit on for a while. Another link to low self-worth.
When you don’t believe that you are enough internally, you will constantly be looking for validation. When your boss critiques you at work, how do you feel? Do you feel like a disappointment, or that because you made a mistake you are a horrible person. How about when they praise you, or you get a compliment? Are you over the moon, does your mood instantly increase? This could mean that you are looking for proof that you are enough, because you don’t have that internal belief. You are basing your worth on external validation. This will carry through into all areas in your life.
Internal Validation
How can we shift this over to internal validation? This is a tough one for me and something I am only starting to work on now. The first thing I have done, is shifting the belief that if I make a mistake I suck. Mistakes are normal, they are supposed to happen. Sometimes you are going to fail and repeat patterns because you are unaware of them. If you make a mistake, there isn’t anything detrimentally wrong with you. You are human. If you learn from it and try again, then you are killing it.
Focus On How Life Feels
Rather than focusing on how your life looks, focus on how it feels. This one has been particularly hard for me, especially with social media. I grew up posting on Instagram, which caused a disconnect between what I like doing and what looks really cool. When I was doing everything that I deemed cool, I was at my most anxious. It wasn’t what I truly wanted, I just wanted other people to like me. I was doing way too much; I am an introvert. I was going out every weekend, constantly going on trips that I couldn’t afford and overworking myself.
Comparison
When covid hit, I felt at peace. I enjoyed staying at home and didn’t feel guilty about it because the whole world was stuck inside. I was able to surf and read my book. I enjoyed slow wake ups and coffee in bed. I did endless online yoga classes and for the first time felt connected to myself. When the world started back up, I burned out because I forced myself to do as much as possible. I was comparing myself to the world. Another link to low self-worth. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. Where you can, notice when you are comparing yourself to others. Why are you jealous? Are you doing more because you want to, or because you believe how you choose to spend your time isn’t good enough and you “should” be doing more?
Timelines
This often goes hand in hand with comparison, have you set yourself a timeline? Do you feel the need to have kids before 28, to have the dream job and the husband or wife. Do you need to own 3 houses before 35? Deep breath, sometimes I forget that I will (hopefully) have my 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and so on. Why do I need to have everything sorted out before 30? My parents met when they were 35, they got to do so much living and learning before this. Some people don’t buy a house until 50, or ever. I don’t even really know what makes me happy, or what it is that I want. Putting so much pressure on yourself will take away a lot of peace. You are trapping yourself into what you think you should want, as opposed to what truly makes you feel happy and at peace.
“You can never accurately predict what will make you happy.” -Brianna West
You need to make mistakes and try a few different careers. Try multiple relationships. Imagine only ever trying one flavor of ice-cream and finding that it tastes ok. Then not trying any other flavor because you know this one doesn’t completely suck. The others could be worse? Or so much better? That is unless you are among the lucky few, who absolutely love their first career choice and your relationship brings you endless joy. Then ignore this.
Conclusion
In conclusion, self esteem comes not from what you feel, but what you think you’re capable of. You are setting your limitations. You are ultimately choosing to stay in a relationship where you are mistreated, or a soul sucking career, or your hometown when you really want to move to that new city. Often it is to stay in comfort, what you truly want is scary. If you don’t believe you can follow that particular dream, then maybe you never will. You are the only person who can shift this narrative. No one else is going to stand up for you and what you want. You need to do it for yourself, or forever hold your peace.
